Having a Hard Time

**THIS IS A VERY LONG POST.  I apologize for this, but I needed to get this out.  If you take the time to read it, I appreciate it.**

So I have been dealing with some issues for the last little while, and I thought it might help to "journal" it if you will.  This may seem jumbled, and I'm sorry, but it is mostly to try and get my thoughts out in hopes that it will make things a little clearer for me.  Here goes nothing. . .

First off, let me start by saying I am not currently pregnant, but a lot of the trouble I am having has a lot to do with this.  Parts of this date back a while so I will need to give some background.

As many of you know, I had to have a c-section when Alena was born due to the fact that she was in a breach position.  In my appointment 6 weeks following the delivery, it was discovered that I have a "short cervix".  A woman's cervix is normally around 1 inch thick, where as mine is just over 1/2 an inch thick.  They feel that this most likely was a partial cause of Alena being born 6 weeks early.  They also told me that this would most likely cause me to have all of my children premature.  They then said that with my history with Alena's pregnancy (more information on this later), the addition of my "short cervix", thin uterine wall, and the fact that I had to have a c-section, they told me that for my own health protection the deliveries of my children needed to be at least 2 years apart.  At that point that wasn't really a big deal because that was pretty much what Mike and I were thinking in the first place, but to be sure that we didn't risk any problems or complications we made the decision for me to go on birth control.  I started on YAZ and didn't have any trouble with it.  I actually felt really good while on the birth control.

After a few months I started really wanting to have another baby, but I knew that I needed to stay on the birth control at least through January of 2010.  I had calculated that even if the next baby came just as early as Alena did, if I went off the pill the beginning of February and got pregnant right away then the baby would still come 1 month after Alena's 2nd birthday.  This was perfect for me and I was anxiously counting down to the time when I could go off the pill and we could have another baby.  Life however had a different plan for us.  We found out the middle of November that the company Mike was working for was getting rid of the health insurance benefit.  Given my pregnancy history we knew we couldn't have a baby without insurance.  We began looking for plans but there was nothing that we could afford and they all had horrible wait periods on pregnancy coverage.  I would have had to wait a year with the coverage before I could become pregnant and that was much too long for me to wait.  I know there are more babies ready to come to our family, and I need to have them as soon as is possible.

With the ending of our health insurance it was even more important that I not become pregnant, I had to stay on my birth control.  It was hard for me to go past the date I had been planning on stopping my pills, but it was the best thing to happen.  During this time the refills on my prescription ran out.  With being uninsured I could not go in to the doctor to have a new prescription written.  They were having to approve individual refills on my pills.  This wasn't a problem until the middle of March.  I called in my prescription to have it filled, but it wasn't approved by the day I needed to start taking it.  I would have been ok for me to start the day after and take 2 pills that day, but it still wasn't filled.  The last option was to start that Sunday (3 more days) but they still didn't fill the prescription.  I called my doctor to ask them what they thought I should do.  They said that because of some of my past history, that the best thing for me would be to wait until my next cycle to start another pack of pills.  At first I didn't think this would be a problem, but of course an issue had to come up  :(

After about a week off my pills I started having some issues with depression.  I have had trouble with this other times in the past, so I wasn't terribly surprised that it came up.  I had a really hard time with it though and I knew that I didn't want to go through the adjustment of coming off the pills again in a few more months.  Mike and I have decided that I will not start my pills again, and we will try other ways for having me not get pregnant (REALLY SORRY IF THIS IS TMI FOR ANYONE).

With going off the pills, me being pregnant has become more of a possibility.  This is very exciting for me but it has started to become a very scary thing for me as well.  This is the majority of what I am having a hard time with now.

As I said before, I would talk about the difficulty I had with my pregnancy with Alena.  I had been skipping periods before I found out I was pregnant with Alena.  I started taking pregnancy test in October and they always came up negative.  I took a test every week and they were always negative, but I never started my period.  Mike was finishing up college during this and was graduating that December.  We knew he would then be going full time at his job and we would then have health insurance.  I didn't want to go in before we had insurance and end up with a "Pre Existing Condition" issue so since I wasn't having pain or any bad symptoms I decided I would wait till we had insurance to go and see the doctor.  I continued taking tests and they kept being negative.

Our insurance went into effect February 1st of 2008.  I had an appointment scheduled with my OB/GYN for Monday, February 11th.  I took another test on Sat. the 9th and it was still negative.  I went to the doctor expecting the worst.  Since I hadn't had a period they had me take a pregnancy test.  I completely expected it to be negative, they were always negative, but surprise surprise I was pregnant!  I couldn't believe it!  Since we had nothing to go off of to determine how far along I was, they scheduled and ultrasound for the next day to do measurements of the baby and determine a due date.  Mike and I went in the next day and the ultrasound determined that I was about 6 weeks along.  We were so so happy about having a baby.  Things started getting bad really fast though.

I started feeling really sick all the time almost instantly, but I figured it was normal.  I threw up for the first time on Sunday, but figured that was normal too.  I was surprised when I threw up again, and then again all on Sunday.  I woke up Monday and threw up immediately.  I tried to go on with my day but it was really hard.  Each day got worse and worse.  I was throwing up more and more frequently.  The doctors started me on medication but it didn't work, so they gave me a different one and then a different one and a different one, all the while it kept getting worse.  At the worst point I was throwing up 12-15 times in an hour.  You may be thinking "that's impossible" but let me assure you it's not.  I was not keeping anything down and as soon as my stomach even produced a little bile, I was throwing it up.  I went to the ER numerous times and was given hydration through an IV because I was so dehydrated.  I was hospitalized for a number of days and re-hydrated and sent home on yet another medication regimen.  3 days later I was back at the doctors office needing another IV.  Throughout all of this I was losing weight and losing it fast.

When I ended up back at the doctor they decided they wanted to insert a PICC Line so that I could have constant fluids while at home.  It was inserted and I went home for Mike to help me stay on fluids 24 hours a day.  We really hoped that this would be the end, but of course it wasn't, after all, your body can't only survive on water and I had now not kept down any food in nearly FIVE WEEKS!!  I know this may sound hard to believe, but I was not doing well.  My skin was turning gray because I was so malnourished.  In 5 weeks I lost 40 pounds.  This shouldn't happen when you are pregnant.  I was on home care, I had a nurse that came every few days to check my line and make sure it looked ok.  I had to weigh myself everyday, keep track of anything I was able to get in me food or water wise (nothing) and also everything that came back up (everything).  I also had to pee on ketone detector strips everyday and give them my ketone levels.  As it says in that link, ketones are not good.  They are a sign that your body is breaking down parts of you that aren't supposed to be broken down.  My levels were always very high.

I then began to vomit blood and Mike was not going to put up with this anymore.  He called another doctors office and we had my care transferred to PPA.  PPA had me admitted straight into the hospital and went to work.  They inserted an NG Tube so that I was being fed 24 hours a day.  They had to insert the tube so that it went passed my stomach and into my intestines because my stomach had experienced so much trauma from all the vomiting.  They kept me on the PICC Line for hydration and medication.

2 days after they inserted my NG Tube the doctor came in to visit with Mike and I and tell us the severity of my situation.  He had papers printed out showing all of my metabolic levels when I had come in, where there were now and where they should be.  The sheet from when I came in indicate that every level was either critically high or low.  He then said, "Now I don't want this to scare you, but had you waited another week to come to us you would have died.  You were starving to death.  Your body was shutting down.  Your kidneys had stopped functioning.  Your gall bladder is full of sludge and we will need to monitor it to be sure that we don't need to remove it.  We are doing all we can to get your body restarted and functioning the way it is supposed to."  I'm sure you could imagine, that this was a very shocking thing to hear.  No one expects to be told they were a week away from death.

I slowly improved and was sent home from the hospital after 11 days.  I remained on the feeding tube and I was also given a Zofran Medication pump that pumped medication into my leg through a sub-cu.  The doctor said that my sickness was caused by a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum which you can read about HERE and HERE.

Now after all of this, I still felt fine about having another baby.  I knew I had a new set of doctors that would treat me and take care of me.  I have had no trouble with any of this until the last couple weeks.  Now that I am realizing that I could end up getting pregnant I have started getting really scared of having to go through all of this again.  How am I going to go through this when I have a daughter to take care of?  What am I going to do financially?  I had to stop working last time and that would be devastating to us this time around.  We have just taken on the EXTREMELY INTIMIDATING task of starting our own business.  Mike is working very hard to get our photography business Eli Mac Photography up and running.  This however make it so that the bulk of the income responsibility lands with me.  This terrifies me!

What happens if this time it is worse?  They told me that in many cases it is harder with the next pregnancies.  I have a very hard time picturing this.  What do I do if they can't keep a handle on it?  What if I loose the next baby?  What if they can't take care of me and something horrible happens?  Am I willing to risk missing out on Alena growing up to have another baby?  I have a constant ache to have another baby, it is with me all the time, but I am TERRIFIED!  

I'm sorry to have blabbed on and on and on, but I needed this.  If anyone actually read this, props to you!!  I will keep you updated on the goings on in this area.  Say a prayer for me that it will all work out how it is supposed to.


Thanks!

Remembrance

My Aunt Mary passed away last night after a long battle with cancer.  She is an inspiration in so many ways and I want to pay tribute to a wonderful woman. 

All my life, I remember her being there for every important event in the family.  There was nothing more important to her than family, and she made that constantly apparent.  She was in car and there whenever she was needed.  

When she was diagnosed with cancer, she went into over drive.  She wasn't going to miss out on anything.  She was going to spend as much time as she could with her children and grand children.  She was away from home for months at a time only pausing for cancer treatments when needed. 

My Great Grandma Angie Finlinson always made clear that family was the most important.  I feel that Aunt Mary took this to heart and truly lived out Grandma Angie's thinking.

Love you Aunt Mary.  You will be missed by many.  Loving the thought of the reunions you are having on the other side.  Give the family a hug for us.