So, I woke up at 4 AM to the sound a my baby needing his pacifier (yes I'm that parent) I helped him find it and he was right back to sleep (still sleeping soundly I might add) but my brain wheels started turning and I have not been able to go back to sleep. I lay there and I try to get comfortable, but my brain works faster and faster and I feel bad shifting and waking up the hubby, so I came down to do some internet surfing. I caught up on friend/family blog reading, checked out some of my favorite craft/food sites, downloaded a couple recipes, sifted though some pinterest pins, read a few articles about parenthood, marriage, depression, organization and the like.
As the time is ticking by and I realize that my children will be waking in a short time and yet again I will need to tackle the day with only a couple hours sleep, I realize that more often than not this is my normal. I am surviving. It isn't easy, most times it is down right difficult, but I survive.
I feel isolated and alone nearly always which to many may seem strange seeing as I have three energetic CONSTANT companions that keep me constantly on the move, but have you ever had to live with zero adult interaction outside of your spouse for days on end? I know that many of you have so you can relate, but for me this is hard.
We have just moved to a new state. I can honestly say that in the years we lived in Utah I was not a terribly social person. I struggle making friends, more specifically lasting, nitty-gritty, spill your life, cry on a shoulder friends. These friends of mine I made in childhood or there about, and most of them are still in Arizona. In the months before we moved I was able to start getting together with two of these friends who were then also living in Utah, and it was the highlight of my life every couple weeks. I miss my friends. I miss my family.
This is not to say that in 3 and a half years I did not build relationships. I'm not a total hermit. I built a great relationship with our neighbor. I could say she was probably my best Utah friend even though she was nearer my mother's age than my own. She was also Alena's preschool teacher which meant I was guaranteed three visits with her a week. I made great friends with the women I worked with in my church calling in Young Womens. Oh how I miss my young women!! I was able to meet with those wonderful examples of strength twice a week and I was also left feeling fuller and stronger after being with them. I also built friendships with some of Mike's friends from the past. Great friends that I am glad I have been able to learn from and enjoy their company.
That being said, I am now again put in the situation of having to start fresh. In many ways this is wonderful and exciting and I would not want anyone to think that I am not very happy with the fact that we have made the move to Boise. (Holy smokes, I would NEVER have thought that I would live in Boise). I can not deny that this was the right move for our family; it is great for Mike and his career; I am sure it will be wonderful for my children; I know that it will give Mike and I the ability to grow and strengthen our marriage and our family. All of this being said, I'm alone. I was excited 3 days ago when the doorbell rang and I was able to spend 3 minutes taking with the Jehovah's Witness couple that was our searching for Spanish speaking individuals to join their congregation. We shared a bible verse and they were on their way, but I got to speak to someone, and I was happy about it. What is wrong with me?
As I have hit the post crazy crash these last couple weeks (and when I say crazy I mean CRAZY!), I am searching for things to help me better myself and move forward and build new relationships. I want to gain new life-long friends like those I miss so much. Now that we are farther from Mesa I know that my chances to see them will be even fewer and I NEED that interaction. When I knew we would be moving I began praying that we would be in an area where I (and we, being Mike and I) could make some good friends. I want to be social, I want to have fun, I want to chat and laugh and eat. I know it can happen, but I'm scared that it won't. There are times when I feel I will be forever lonely, and that is just my hardship to bear, but I sure hope that is not the case.
Now I know that this post seems very down, and I know that that is part of my problem. I have come to notice that I am yet again battling depression. I have dealt with it periodically through my life, but I think this is one of the more difficult times. I recognize, I cope. I know I can pull through on the other side, but to have moved and not have a friend, a family member, a neighbor, or a doctor to talk to sure makes this that much harder. I have the Lord, and he will help me through. I have Mike and he gives me strength. I have the love of my sweet children who I feel I am not nearly mother enough to but they love me anyway. I know I am blessed, I know I am loved, I know things will improve.
I know this is more for me than for anyone else out there in the great cyber universe, but there are things that consume when they are in your mind rather than written down. I did not want to write, so I decided to type. As I go through this most recent struggle I plan to write more frequently. It helps me organize my thinking and understand more of what is going on in my head. Some things will be posted and others not, but this will be the content of my posts in the near, possibly distant future.
If you read this, thank you for attempting to process my ramblings, if you didn't you aren't reading this now so I have nothing to say to you.
Love you, love myself.